My Journey From Depression
by Kantipala
2005/04/03
I used to suffer from severe depression, often
thinking myself to be some how busted. Like everyone around me seemed to
have a place; they seemed to have a direction, they seemed to have
opportunities, but yet I was stuck in a rut. Another analogy was like
being invited to a party that I never could fit in, but not being allowed
to leave.
For along time I tried desperately at anything I
could do to help me find my way, but all I met with was one failure after
another. This of course made every thing worse for me, and reinforced my
belief that I was busted. To make matters worse was when ever I tried to
share my feelings others were quick to have a joke about it, and tell me
what I was doing wrong. So not only was I feeling lost and depressed, but
also scared to death of a judgment al world. I even went to a physiologist
who after about a year told me I was a wonderfully healthy person. That I
was a joy to chat with, very loving and so forth, but this diagnosis did
not make me feel wonderfully happy. It took me along time to find out what
was causing these feelings, and then to start healing from it. I was
really starting to think there was no point in goodness at all, it was all
just one persons way of controlling another.
I went on a meditation retreat at a Theravada
Buddhist monastery in the United States.( this is not meant as an
advertisement for Buddhism just the point were I found the cause of my
mental anguish) The topic of the retreat was “Metta” or the art of
radiating loving friendliness to all beings with out exception. These was
a huge challenge to me, as I had a deep hatred for myself, and hated the
rest of the world for being so cruel, abusive, and judgmental. The only
being I could feel love for was maybe the monastery cat. On the board was
a sign up sheet for personal interviews with the monastic. Buddhist monks
dedicate there lives to the practice of renunciation, mental cultivation,
and emancipating the heart. So I figured I would have an interview and
share some of my problems with loving friendliness.
I signed up for an interview with a Thai monk
from “Wat pa nana chat” a forest monastery in Thailand quite famous
for its serine meditation monks. I figured that if anyone could offer me
insight it would be him, so he was who I chose. I entered the room were he
was, and closed the door, all the while trying to find were in the room he
was. I found him sitting on the floor, and so I sat down in front of him.
He must have had a very tranquil heart because I felt totally safe with
him. Like when you have a comfortable silence with a good friend. At first
I wanted just to tell him what I thought he wanted to hear that “I was
good, and pressing along. That I would defiantly take these things back to
my ordinary life” I felt his peace sitting in front of him that I worked
the courage to ask him what I really wanted to know.
I told him that I absolutely hated myself for
being born with a disability, never being able to fit in, no matter how
hard I did what society said I was suppose to I was always the looser,
There was always something I should have done or could have done. I told
him that I was stuck in a busted existence with absolutely no way out what
so ever. After I told him that I hated myself I let go with all the
reasons why, figuring what the heck. After my talk which must have blown
him away with such tremendous self hatred I was shocked that his mood was
totally unchanged. There was as much a comfort being with him as before.
This was positive for me because he had not been in the USA more than a
year or two I was afraid along with other things his reaction, and I have
been judged so many times before I just did not want to be rejected again.
He gently said that “I have found almost all
westerners seem to have these same feelings” This was shocking to me as
I for along time have thought myself unique and alone in my feelings. He
then asked me if I had a Christian upbringing which I said that I had. He
then said that in his meetings with westerners they all seemed to believe
that they were sinful unless some authority told them they were good. Also
that they judged them selves and others based on there opinions of what
God would think. Thus they would formulate these lofty ideas of what it
means to be good, but when they could not live up to those pie in sky
ideas they became depressed. Even people who were not religious but were
raised with that concept looked out side to validate what they thought of
them selves.
Hearing this explanation got me to thinking about may own thought patterns
of the past and so forth. With everything I did or tried to do I did at
first create a lofty image of what I should be, and then beat myself up to
obtain it, and then when I failed it was all the more disastrous. Thus
leading me to create even more ideas to grab on to kind of a habitual
thought pattern that kept feeding itself.
The monk told me that I was already good at heart, and did not need to do
anything, but just express what I naturally was. Experiencing this monks
unshakable peace during the interview also gave me some confidence that he
had some experience with what he was telling me, and not just quoting some
text book he picked up. I was not interested in book reports, I could read
for myself anything.
1 2
> Next |