Bangla
Bhai Writes to Allah
Abul
Kasem
[Bangla Bhai (Brother Bangla) is
an Islamist Terrorist who has established a tiny
Taliban
State
in a remote village of north-west
Bangladesh
. Through murder, terror and the implementation of Sharia laws on the
famished, indigent, hapless inhabitants of this area he has attracted
world-wide attention. Recently, a New York Times journalist, Eliza
Griswold wrote about this Islamist outfit and speculated on the imminent
danger of the entire
Bangladesh
becoming the next Taliban country: see “The Next Islamist Revolution?”
NYT
January 27, 2005
http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/vinnomot/message/717
For the Qur’anic verses quoted
consult: http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/reference/reference.html]
Al-Hamd-Lillah,
Rabbul al-Amin;
This is a petition to the almighty
Allah, the creator, the most high, the most beloved, the most
compassionate, the most merciful, the strictest reckoner, the most
hate-filled, the most jealous, the most revengeful and the ultimate judge
on the resurrection day.
Assalamu Alaikum
am
penning this epistle from a distant corner of
Bangladesh
which is about to become the next Taliban country in the world. It seems
that Allah, Rabbul al-Amin has not read the recent article in the New York
Times that has categorically predicated the emergence of this new Islamic
Paradise. However, I, Bangla Bhai (Siddiqul Islam), the Commander-in-Chief
of the Mujaheddins is now facing certain impediments while fighting in the
way of Allah. Therefore, I decided to forward this petition to Allah
elaborating my background, the plans and the logistics in the creation of
this
Taliban
State
. Of late, while conducting an Islamic raid on the evil villagers, a few
of Allah’s soldiers (Mujahiddins) were beaten to death.
Look Allah, how we buried our dear
martyrs. It was in the same fashion as the martyrs of the Uhud were
ritually buried by your devotees 1400 years ago. Please refresh your
memory of Uhud. The martyrs were not at all clothed in burial dress.
Instead, they were buried with their bloodied bodies—the very way they
were killed in the battlefield. Isn’t this the most commendable way to
put an ardent Jihadist to ultimate rest? Allah, for doing this, we surely
deserve much reward from you. Just observe closely how we have smartly
brought back the seventh century Bedouin Islami Josh (Islami zeal) on the
green pastures of Bangla. Allah,
have you read the classic science fiction, ‘The Time Machine’, written
by H.G. Wells? Don’t you think we are much cleverer than this infidel
writer? We are, in reality, operating a time machine. This time machine is
incredibly efficient in taking an entire nation on a time trip—in the
past, of course. Our future plan is to make sure that only the true Momeen
(believers) remain alive; the rest of the infidels and the hypocrites must
be eradicated. That is how we plan to turn the luxuriance of Bangla in to
a ponderous red-carpet—drenched and soaked in blood. Isn’t this what
you wrote in your timeless tome, the Qur’an? We are absolutely in the
right track for your sake. Allah, in case your memory has worn out, this
is what you wrote regarding the supremacy of Islam in your eternal
Qur’an:
Any religion other than Islam is
not acceptable...3:85
Allah has perfected the religion
of Islam and made it the only religion for mankind…5:3
Allah curses the hypocrites, the
diseased hearts; wherever they are found they will be seized and slain
mercilessly…33:60-61
Allah, we may not be even 1% of
the population of
Bangladesh
. But, if we follow the verses quoted above, our minuscule number is not
going to deter us from launching our Islamic killing operations (Jihad).
Allah, have you forgotten how, with only twelve Mujahids, led by the
Islamic Commander Ikthiar Uddin b. Bakhtiar Khilji, invaded Bangla and
introduced the beauty of Islam there? We are just like him. Our
microscopic number will never deter us from capturing once again, the
fertile verdure of
Bengal
and purify Islam once and for all. We shall surely get rid (by killing) of
all those who are not true Islamic—the real Islam, preached and
practiced by your dearest Prophet.
Ya Malik ed-Dunia, look at my
neatly grown, untrimmed beard—grown and nurtured exactly to your
specification. You will find it precisely similar to the beard of
Rasul-e-Karim. I even dyed my beard with henna. Allah, please smell my
handsome beard and you will be pleased with the fragrance of musk—just
the way our Nabiji used to do. Please send your angels to monitor our
toilets and food habits. They will be surprised to note the incredible
effort we have put in to emulate intimately, in every aspect of our lives,
our most beloved Prophet. For example, despite no shortage of water in
Bangladesh
, we use clay stones to cleanse our private parts after defecating in the
open field—exactly to your specifications. Even though we have primitive
latrines we prefer to do our business in the wide open field because that
was how Nabiji did during his time. See, how devoted we are to your
dearest Apostle! In case your memory is lacking, Allah, please read this Hadis from Sahih Bukhari,
the Sunna of your Prophet which
is compulsory for every Muslim to emulate:
After defecating do not use bones
or dung; use stones to cleanse yourself…1.4.157
Volume
1, Book 4, Number 157:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
I followed the Prophet while he was going out to
answer the call of nature. He used not to look this way or that. So, when
I approached near him he said to me, "Fetch for me some stones for '
cleaning the privates parts (or said something similar), and do not bring
a bone or a piece of dung." So I brought the stones in the corner of
my garment and placed them by his side and I then went away from him. When
he finished (from answering the call of nature) he used them .
Use odd number of stones to clean
your private parts...1. 4.162
Volume
1, Book 4, Number 162:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "Whoever performs ablution
should clean his nose with water by putting the water in it and then
blowing it out, and whoever cleans his private parts with stones should do
it with odd number of stones."
Allah, please check your list of
infidels. I am certain you will find the name of Elsie Grizzly. Recently,
this vile infidel woman, wearing Islamic hijab,
visited the pristine Islamic Paradise of Bangladesh. We were so hospitable
to her when she visited me in our secret den of Jihadists. Wearing a black
Burqa, she conducted an interview with me. I was simply elated that a
white Muslimah journalist from the
land
of
Great Satan
would like to publish our ‘Kamiabi’
(success) in the top-notch daily, like the New York Times. Due to extreme
elation, I lost my sense and hurriedly told her a lot of our secret plans
to perfect the Taliban state in
Bangladesh
. When this lady journalist published our incredible story in the New York
Times, the world was astonished. All the ‘Harami’s
(the wicked people) of
Bangladesh
were very angry and extremely agitated. Later, we quickly learned from our
secret agents that she had never converted to Islam but simply used that
ruse to trick us. Allah, please forgive me for disclosing to this Kafir
woman our plan for a future Islamic Taliban State in
Bangladesh
. The truth, Allah, was: I really became infatuated with this Caucasian
Muslimah even though I never saw her face. Her shrill, sexy and husky
voice was good enough to raise my passion for her. Once I saw her
handsome, delicate, smooth, shiny, impeccably manicured wrist taking notes
of my statements I went wild. I was ecstatic. I dearly wanted to marry her
and make her my third wife—just the way our Prophet always fell in love
with whichever woman he chanced to meet. Allah, have you forgotten that
your most beloved friend only had three passions—women, perfume and
prayer? I follow the exact footsteps of our Nabiji. Alas! Elsie
Grizzly’s visa did not allow her to stay much longer in
Bangladesh
—otherwise, I would’ve surely made her halal
for me. She had to leave
Bangladesh
soon after the interview was complete. Allah, please do not be angry with
me. Retribution is coming to her sooner than she might expect. I have
already despatched three Islamic sleuths to
New York
to hunt her down and bring her back to me. As a punishment for her utter
depravity I shall surely treat her as a captive, incarcerate her in a
dingy chamber and make her halal
for my lieutenants. They will enjoy her by turn; day in and day out—just
the way the Jihadists enjoy the women ‘zindiq’ (freethinkers)
prisoners in
Iran
,
Sudan
and
Nigeria
. Allah, have a look at the Sunna of
your Prophet:
Muhammad did not approve coitus
interruption with the captive women of Banu-al-Mustaliq, but he allowed
their women to be raped...5.59.459
Volume
5, Book 59, Number 459:
Narrated Ibn Muhairiz:
I entered the Mosque and saw Abu
Said Al-Khudri and sat beside him and asked him about Al-Azl (i.e. coitus
interruptus). Abu Said said, "We went out with Allah's Apostle for
the Ghazwa of Banu Al-Mustaliq and we received captives from among the
Arab captives and we desired women and celibacy became hard on us and we
loved to do coitus interruptus. So when we intended to do coitus interrupt
us, we said, 'How can we do coitus interruptus before asking Allah's
Apostle who is present among us?" We asked (him) about it and he
said, 'It is better for you not to do so, for if any soul (till the Day of
Resurrection) is predestined to exist, it will exist
Ali had sex with booty captive
women...5.59.637
Volume
5, Book 59, Number 637:
Narrated Buraida:
The Prophet sent 'Ali to Khalid to
bring the Khumus (of the booty) and I hated Ali, and 'Ali had taken a bath
(after a sexual act with a slave-girl from the Khumus). I said to Khalid,
"Don't you see this (i.e. Ali)?" When we reached the Prophet I
mentioned that to him. He said, "O Buraida! Do you hate Ali?" I
said, "Yes." He said, "Do you hate him, for he deserves
more than that from the Khumus."
Some Jihadists loved to have sex
with captive women using coitus interruptus…8.77.600
Volume
8, Book 77, Number 600:
Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri:
That while he was sitting with the Prophet a man
from the Ansar came and said, "O Allah's Apostle! We get slave girls
from the war captives and we love property; what do you think about coitus
interruptus?" Allah's Apostle said, "Do you do that? It is
better for you not to do it, for there is no soul which Allah has ordained
to come into existence but will be created."
Rabbul al-Amin, you will be
extremely pleased that we have lately formed the Rahmat
Allah Battalion (RAB). Actually, most of the members of this battalion
are imported from
Somalia
,
Sudan
and
Afghanistan
—your dearest Islamic Paradises. This is the most closely guarded secret
in
Bangladesh
. Their commanders are Afghan Taliban Jihadists. In reality, RAB is an
assassin squad—exactly in the fashion of the killing squads that your
dearest Prophet formed to kill his critiques. We convinced NPB
(Nationalist Party of Bangladesh) to form RAB by citing the Sunna
of our Nabi Karim. RAB’s prime targets are the writers, singers, folk
dancers, artists, actors, academics, intellectuals, secular freethinkers,
some opposition leaders and the infidels. Allah, please have an intimate
look at the uniform and the head-gear of these soldiers of yours. Don’t
you think they look exactly like your soldiers in the Badr, Uhud, Hunayn
and Khaybar…..? Look at their pitch-black outer garment and their dark
turban that is tightly tied at the rear of their head. Rahman-ar-Rahim, in
case you have forgotten how you dressed your fighters 1400 years ago,
please look at RAB. It will surely remind you that before they went on
killing missions, your soldiers always wore black uniforms and tied their
turbans in exactly the same fashion as RAB. Allah, look at your current
Iraqi commander, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Our RAB wears almost similar outfit
like him. Most Bangladeshis are really a bunch of dunces. They think the
members of RAB are their own flesh and blood. We simply laugh at their
imbecility. We knew rather well that very few ordinary Bengali soldiers or
policemen will have the heart to shoot their brethren for no good reason.
That is why I cleverly advised our current PM to import those heartless,
cruel and blood-thirsty Islamic Jihadists from some far distant Islamic
Paradises. The beautiful reward from the smartest Prime Minister in the
world was that she carefully whispered to the police to escort me to a
safe haven, although, just to please the Great Satan, she had previously
issued an order for my arrest. Allah, don’t you think I should have a
good laugh when I reflect on the extraordinary talent of this lady? See,
how correct I am when I mentioned that the Bengali’s are really asinine.
I live amongst the very nose of the security people of
Bangladesh
, yet they cannot even see or catch me! How wonderful! Allah,
isn’t this similar to Gabriel? When he visited Muhammad no one could see
him except Nabiji? Don’t you think I am just one rank below your dearest
Prophet? Allah, this is nothing but your Kudrat (blessing). Marhaba!
Marhaba!
Glorified Allah, would you believe
how cleverly we have formed two fronts of attack on the 99% ordinary,
not-so-good, hypocrite Muslims of Bangladesh? While RAB continues
eliminating the intellectuals, the upper class urban enemies of Islam, we
have stealthily formed a cadre of tens and thousands of nascent Jihadists
entirely from the rural Madrassas of Bangladesh. At dead of night we
trained them in arms and explosives handling. During day, they dutifully
memorised the Qura’an. What a beautiful strategy, come to think of it! I
am certain you will be simply too happy that we followed the exact
footsteps of your most beloved creation (Muhammad). Allah, do you recall
that your best friend conducted military training at his mosque and meted
out your prescribed punishments, including beheadings there? This is
exactly what we plan to do in future. We will convert all mosques in
Bangladesh
in to Islamic fortresses. From these ubiquitous abodes of yours we shall
deliver all judgments according to your law (Sharia). We will establish a
blood-bank in every mosque. These blood-banks will collect the blood from
those who will be beheaded or amputated right in front of the cheering
faithfuls. Every time we behead a ‘zindiq’, they will shout Allahu
Akbar, Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar—three times—just to be precise with
the Islamic ritual of slaughter. You surely will be utterly pleased to
witness so much of blood—human blood. This is far better than
sacrificing cows and goats. We shall then export the blood thus collected.
This will earn plenty of foreign exchange for a desperately poor country
like
Bangladesh
. The flesh of those beheaded ‘zindiqs’ will be fed to the hungry wild
dogs, the foxes, the hyenas, the wolves, the lions, the tigers and the
bears kept in the zoos of Bangladesh. The leftover bones of these
intellectuals of
Bangladesh
will be used to manufacture fertilizer. See Allah, what a beautiful plan
we have for our beloved Islamic Paradise. For stoning to death we shall
recycle those stones that we had used for our toilet purposes. How
beautiful this Islamic recycling is! Nothing is wasted—not even human
flesh and bones!
Ya Aziz, you may wonder why I am
writing to you. You see, as I mentioned at the outset of this epistle, we
planned everything meticulously. Following your command, we killed so many
of those intellectuals just to instil terror in the minds of the ordinary
folks of
Bangladesh
. Look Allah, what you wrote in your Qur’an Sharif:
Allah casts terror in the hearts
of unbelievers; they will reside in hell...3:151
Strike terror in the hearts of the
unbelievers; smite the unbelievers at neck and cut off their fingers...
8:12
The unbelievers cannot escape
Allah’s terror...
8:59
True Jihadists (good Muslims) do not ask for
exemption from fighting with their persons and wealth (i.e., true Muslims
are terrorists)…
9:44
Allah stopped showing miracles
because the previous generations considered them as false; so Allah only
sends signs by way of terror...
17:59
Beloved Allah, I just quoted
samples of those ‘terrific’ verses. In case you have forgotten, please
look carefully in your Qur’an and you will find scores of such verses.
The trouble is, most of these ‘Harami’
(wicked) Bengalis do not accept our divine acts as your commandment to
true Jihadists. That is why we are now in trouble. Recently, while we were
earnestly conducting an operation to infuse terror in the hearts of a few ‘Harami’
villagers, a few of your soldiers were caught by the ‘Mushrekins’ (hypocrite Muslims). With fuming anger and ‘Gono
Pituni’ (mob lynching) the villagers beat those soldiers of yours to
death. We feel so frustrated, fearing that you have abandoned us in the
midst of this Jihad. Allah, please help us now. Please send us the angels
that you sent at Badr and Hunayn. We implore you fervently that unless you
send your divine intervention all of us will soon become martyrs. But
Allah, you see, almost all our cadre consist of very young Madrassa-going
teen-agers. They are unmarried, poor and hungry. How could you make them
martyrs so soon when they are yet to taste the sweetness of their wives,
take booty to be rich and have plenty of delicious food to eat. After all,
that was what you promised to all the Jihadists. So, Allah, please do not
disappoint us any more. Immediately send us at least 5 000 angels (just
like at Badr war). Kindly send us your sign of intervention. Once I
receive your unmistakable signal I shall, at once, despatch my assassin
squad to kill more ‘zindiqs’. This time your soldiers, with the help
of your angels, will kill, not by tens, but by hundreds and thousands. You
will be happy that eventually we shall be successful in establishing an
uncontaminated
Taliban
State
in
Bangladesh
. Allah, don’t you think that will be the best gift to you? You dearly
love blood. We shall offer you blood—plenty of it. Here is an ocean of
blood for you—the blood of the ‘Harami’
Bengalis.
I remain steadfastly.
Your most obedient slave
Bangla Bhai al-Saffah (the blood
shedder)
---------------------
Abul Kasem
writes from
Sydney
,
Australia
. His e-mail address is [email protected]
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