Almsot An Apostate

2005/02/16

The Agnostic 

I do not know if I really can be considered a real apostate, but here is my story on how Islam put it's evil spell on me. Furthermore since english is not my mother toungue please don't pick on me for poor writing/spelling  

About two years ago I found myself in a spiritual crisis of some kind. I wanted to know the cause of our existense and where we'll end up after this life is done. From times to another I've prayed to God in a casual way, never bothered to include Jesus in the process. I never found much answers in the bible but I had what you might say a "personal relationsship" with God.

I grew up in a secular country (In Europe) and is/was christian by name. However I never could accept all the logical fallacies of the bible. I consider myself a man of science (although I'm not a scientist but merely an engineer student). To brag a little about myself I also see myself as rather intelligent (passed the test for MENSA etc) and I'm under the impression that people see me as a smart guy. With that said it is really embarrysing to say that I was drawn to Islam!
Even more so because it happend after the horrendous Sept. 11.

My country is probably the most political correct country in the world, and after the terrorist attacks media got flooded with people saying that this is not the true Islam and that Islam is peace etc. I took this in; with hook, line and sink.

I started cruising the internet for Islamic information, and there's a lot of it out there! Now, they all present themself in a nice way. So:
-Islam must surely be misunderstood, I thought when I read those nice quotes from the Quoran. Liking math and science I also liked the claim that Islam does not contradict science and tha western scientists fled to the orient during the medieval ages. I always loved oriental architecture and admired the beautiful mosques and arabic caligraphi. This was perfect for me! A religiouse guidance that does not contradict science, not evil but merely misunderstood. They accepted Jesus as a factual person but not as the son of God. that made sense. This is for me! There is no god but Allah and Muhammed is his prophet. Simsallahbim I was a muslim! Gave up my favourite beverage; beer, although I never abused alcohol. Stopped eating pork.

I kept this up for a while but naturally I had to know more about my new religion. Went to the library, found a thick book with green covers. Ahh; THE QURAN! Started reading. The foreword was written by the translator wich was quit harch on the prophet. -Ignorant man! I thought.
-He must have misunderstood!

So after reading Sura number one: -Yeah, I can accept that, sure!

After reading sura number two: -This is just as stupid as the Bible... Is there something wrong with the translation? Muslims always talk about poor translations...

Skimming the pages...sura number nine: What da..? Isn't that a little hard? Killing like mad men. Wasn't the word islam derived from the word Salam? It was supposed two be about peace, was it not?
I went home. Drank a beer and contiuend reading.
No, this was not for me. This was stupid. This was not science. This was not peace. This was not enlightment.

Later at the school computer. Google search "against Islam": Faithfreedom.org
Interesting, very much so. After I while I started to get sick. I felt so much embarresment for being so close to giving myself to this sick cult. I was supposed to be a smart man. I wanted to dig a deep hole and jump into it. Stupid! No that was not enough to express how big a fool I had been. How should I make up for my ignorance? By enlightning others!
So:
I created a website in the spirit of faithfreedom.org, wich I published in my own name. After all I live in a modern European country, not Iran or Yemen...shouldn't be a to big risk. I was not likely to become the next Salman Rushdie... It was a quiet fun website i think but it is not up and running now since my wife suddenly got a number of weird phone calls with arabic music in the background and silent breathing. No death threats but it was not very nice for her or for me. Now I can't risk my familys safety so I inactivated my website immeadetly. Sure enough, no more phone calls since then. Maybe am I just paranoid, but I do not wish to find out.
1-0 for the islamists perhaps...

I hope to some day restart an anti-Islamic website, that day with better safety precautions.

As for my spiritual outcome? I am now a happy agnostic drawn to the notion that there is a creator of some kind wich can not be expressed in words. I try to be a good human being and I believe I am a good guy although I drink beer, eat pork, smoke pot (on occation)and don't participate in Jihad:)