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Lampoon
An
urgent epistle to Osama
By Abul Kasem
Dearest brother in Islam Osama,
Greetings and Assalam-u-alaikum.
Shukur alhamdulilah!
I hope you are doing well by the grace of almighty Allah, our great
beneficent protector. We are a group of dedicated Muslims living in the
infidel lands of the USA, Europe, Canada and Australia.
We are citizens of these lands of the infidels but our hearts and
mind lie in the Islamic paradises like Pakistan, Bangladesh, India,
Afghanistan, Sudan, Nigeria, Iran, etc. We pretend to be patriotic
citizens of these infidel lands but deep inside our mind we nurture a
great dream. That dream is the vision to convert these infidel lands into
Islamic paradises by hook or by crook, no matter how long it takes.
For many many years, brother, you have been what we were looking
forward to; a great Muslim leader who will never hesitate to take up sword
(in modern day’s parlance guns and bombs) to establish Islam in the dawn
of this twenty-first century; who will follow the exact footsteps of our
great Paigambar (forgive me for using a Persian word for the
prophet who brought the paigam or the news from Allah) (Prophet),
Muhammad. Truly, you are a
re-incarnation of Muhammad, no doubt, for every action of yours conforms
one hundred percent to the best creation of Allah, i.e., Muhammad.
Please forgive us for drawing an analogy from Hinduism, which is
re-incarnation. This is done
just to demonstrate to you how much respect we have for you although in
public (in the presence of the infidels) we condemn you and your action.
Please forgive our double standard, too, for we have no choice.
We do not want to give up the comfort provided by these infidels at
the same time we also want to convert them to Islam. Don’t you think
that our idea is great, brother Osama?
Wouldn’t you praise us for our cleverness and connivance?
Brother Osama, what you’ve
accomplished already in a short span of time, no Muslim could ever dream
of. You put a fatal blow in
the very heart of America, the ‘Great Satan.’
Thanks to the great hujur¾Ayatollah
Khomeini of Persia. Khomeini
could be a maverick, but how can we forget you, brother? You are always on
our minds. Perhaps you do not
know how much we admire you for your courage and acuity.
In fact, we consider you next to our dearest prophet. No joke, brother! Even though we live in infidel lands, we
actually belong to your army (in a mental sense, of course). We are the
silent jihadis; make no mistake about this, brother!
If only the infidels could open our heart, they could see whose
soul is there! You tell us
what to do and we shall surely follow your for the sake of Deen-e-Islam,
brother.
Brother-e-Islam Osama, people say
you have passed away. To that we say humbug!
We never believed that story.
How could you be dead when you are the true soldier of Islam? Allah can never let you die. In our heart we simply believe
that you are somewhere in central Asia planning your next move to
slaughter a few million infidels in Islamic way.
Aren’t we correct, brother? Now, while you are busily passing
your time with your new recruits of jihadis, we would like to furnish you
some good and some not-so-good information to assist you in your
forthcoming jihad operation in infidel lands.
Do you know brother, how happy we
were on 9/11? Do you know how
proud we were on that eventful day? We wanted to shout aloud giving all
the glory to almighty Allah but we kept silence. When we met the infidels
in public, we shed crocodile tears for them.
Outwardly, we pretended to empathise with their sorrow and despair. In private, though, we actually offered Shukrana
prayers (thanksgiving prayer) for your grand success.
We looked for misqins in the street so that we could have
handed them some loose changes, but alas, there were none. Is it possible brother to do more of 9/11?
Please brother-e-Islam, we are dying to see again the hapless
infidels running helter skelter for their dear lives from the Islamic fire
and bomb. Those pathetic
sights of bedlam gave us so much of pleasure in our soul. We uttered
alhamdulilah! !
Brother, do you need more funds?
No problem, brother. We are secretly raising money for you,
brother. In every mosque, in every congregation, in every Islamic
community we collect money from the gullible folks who think that the
money collected will be used for the improvement of mosque or for feeding
hungry Palestinian kids in Ramallah or West Bank. How stupid they are! If
only they knew our true purpose they would not donate a single dirham,
this is for sure. See how
smart we are! We do all this
for you, brother Osama.
Dear brother, do you remember
Georgionni Pradley, the female British journalist?
She sneaked in the holy Islamic land of Afghanistan by wearing the
Islamic raincoat¾Burqa.
Do you recall that she was taken as a captive to brother Omar?
He examined her thoroughly top to bottom but did not find her that
attractive. So, he was very
reluctant to make her ‘halal’ for himself following the Prophet’s
example of marrying the captives or for a one night stand.
The Prophet married only young and physically attractive captives.
Those not so attractive, he chucked them to his foot soldiers.
Amir-ul Mumenin brother Omar also did the same. He found her to be
too old and ugly. So, following the footsteps of the Prophet he donated
her to a Taliban commander. We do not know what really happened
afterwards. But the Taliban commander seemed to be very happy with her.
Many of his soldiers thought that she had fallen in love with the Islamic
commander, her captor. A few days later, brother Omar announced the
release of this old captive lady but on condition that she must embrace
Islam. The condition was not negotiable. Brother Omar told her that if she
did not convert to Islam, then her Taliban commander would chop her into
pieces after making her ‘halal’ for himself.
She had no choice. She
had to convert to Islam to save her life.
However, although not that pretty, she was quite a smart lady.
She concocted a story gullible enough for Mullah Omar.
She told brother Omar that her conversion to Islam during her
captivity would be counterproductive, since the whole world would
interpret that as a forced conversion.
A better idea would be for her to go back to England and then
convert to Islam and talk of falling in love with Islam while under
Islamic captivity. What a great idea! Why did not the Muslims think of
that! Brother Omar released her immediately and escorted her all the way
to the border. However, he cautioned her that should she renege from her
promise of conversion she will be beheaded by your al-Qaeda jihadis
operating in Britain. She had
to keep her pledge. Now, how great we feel when she announced her
conversion to Islam. Immediately after her news of conversion, we flooded
the Internet with the glory of Islam.
In prayer congregation, we also announced takbir, Allahu Akbar
three times. Subhan Allah!
Subhan Allah! Witness the
greatness of Islam. A captive becomes a convert! Unbelievable!! This is
possible only with Islam. Islam is sure to convert the remaining 4.8 billion infidels
if we really follow brother Omar’s footsteps, isn’t that so brother
Osama? Eventually the entire
earthlings of 6.2 billion will all become the part of Ummah.
Brother Osama, this is our cherished dream.
Now, brother Osama, we want to
talk about something that had been bothering many of us for sometime. You
see, we never had problem explaining the beauty of Islam to the stupid
infidels. Almost all of them know next to nothing about true Islam.
They always thought that Islam is just like Christianity or Judaism
or worse still, Buddhism. In
fact, we always tell them so. And they ardently believed us. How foolish they are, come to think of it, brother.
We really admired them for their gullibility. They always thought
that you are the only culprit and you are not a true Muslim. They thought
that we are the true Islam, until recently. You see, a few of the
treacherous among us have decided to tell the truth, that we had been
hiding for centuries. These renegade ex-Muslims are now in the business of
‘Islam bashing.’ The world-wide-web is now abuzz with their messages
that portray the ‘real Islam.’ It has now become extremely difficult
for us to hide our skin. Even that idiot George Bush does not say,
“Islam is peaceful” anymore.
Even that infantile, boyish Tony Blair has stopped showcasing the
mullahs in Britain to say that Islam is a religion of peace. Do you know
why, brother Osama? It is all
due to the doings of this new breed of apostates who will not hide
anything. We feel so frustrated now that all our secrets are out. All our
plans to convert these infidels to Islam are now leaked.
It is nearly impossible for us to raise our voice anymore.
Imagine, just about a year ago every infidel trusted us.
No one ever listened to these sly ex-Muslim apostates. They trusted every word we uttered. Now a day, they do not trust us any more. They always try to
avoid us. Our web sites are lifeless.
Except for our own folks, no infidel visits us anymore. But look at
the websites of a few of these renegade ex-Muslims. They have millions of
visitors every month. We feel so discouraged.
Brother Osama, please try to understand us. We did try to finish off these apostates. Nevertheless, it is
easier said than done sitting in these lands of infidels. If they were in Islamic paradises, we would have surely
finished them off in no time. Moreover, the infidels are becoming
sympathetic to them each day. Previously, this sympathy was totally
reserved for us. But it is no more there now. Brother Osama, please do
something about this. We
never thought that our own brother would betray us.
But this is what has happened now.
Is it possible, brother Osama, that in your next plan of Islamic
genocide of the infidels you include these apostates?
Please treat this matter as very urgent. We must kill this new
breed of ‘Islamic Pundits’ if we are really serious to convert these
sheep living in the land of ‘Great Satan’ to Islam and establish
Islamic paradises in US, UK, Canada, Australia, etc.
Do you need money, brother? We have some money for you, but we are
afraid to send this to you in case the secret service catches us. Please,
brother, ask your trusty, eternal financier, the al-Saud family. After
all, they used to give you protection money in secret so that you do not
disturb them. Also, what
happened to your lovable sisters who used to carry dollar-stuffed grocery
bags to Kandahar in the pre-9-11 days?
Why not send the house of al-Saud a secret note on this matter?
We can bet that FBI, CIA would never come to know about it. They
are hopeless. In fact, if you could get some good financing from the al-Saud
family you could have bought over CIA, FBI, and MI6 a long time ago. Why
did you not think of this brother? We are just wondering.
Many of us have Ph.Ds in subjects
like Banking and finance, Economics, Geology, Chemistry, Computer Science,
Medicine, Dentistry…and what not. You
name the subject and we can show you a Ph.D holder on that subject.
The only exception is Islam. None
of us has a Ph.D in Islamic studies. Nonetheless, that does not mean that
we do not know Islam. We are
so good in Islam that many of us have created our own websites to
propagate Islam. Don’t you
think that it is an excellent idea, brother Osama?
Look brother, you were also a Civil Engineer, isn’t it so?
Now you are the best and the strongest Islamic scholar in the
world. Many jihadis would gladly sacrifice their dear lives to
uphold your Islamic teachings. We are so proud of you that you are the
first great Engineer in the world who has used Civil Engineering to
advance Islam with great success. Brother,
would you kindly tell us how Civil Engineering and Islam could be combined
with more success? Or, is it
that you took your lesson on Islam in Al-Azhar University in Cairo? We are
sure that they have a department named Islamic Civil Engineering, isn’t
it so? We can safely say that
our knowledge of Islam is far superior to the age-old trusty Islamic
exegete like Ibn Kathir, al-Shawkani, Jalal al-Din Suyuti, Jarir al-Tabari…etc.
just to name a few. Our knowledge of Islam is so great that we simply
discard the Tafsir of al-Quran by those old hags whenever we find
something that does not sound good to us. Lately, we have discovered a new
brand of Islam. In this brand of Islam anything and everything that makes
us feel ashamed, cruel, uncivilized, barbaric we simply discard them no
matter who is the interpreter even if it is from Imam Ghazali, Suyuti,
Tabari…any one…they are out…all of them; instead we put forward our
own interpretations. Do you know why, brother Osama? It is because 99.99%
of the infidels have never read the Qur’an and they have no clue about
its content. Therefore, it is
so easy to fool them. We never worried about our folks either. A 90% of
them do not know the meaning of the suras they utter hundreds of thousands
of times in their prayer. Almost
none of them ever heard of the name of those old pundits of Islam. They
thought Islam means praying, fasting, offering Zakat, performing Eid and
attending the Hajj; and that is all. It was so easy to fool all these
people. They readily believed whatever interpretation we gave them.
Sha’ria Laws? They
did not even heard of this word just a year ago.
Brother, you did a fantastic job. Your contribution to Islam is
just immeasurable, brother. You see, after 9/11 the words Islam, Qur’an,
hadith, Sha’ria are in the lips of everyone in the infidel world.
What a great success! What
you achieved by killing a mere three thousand infidels in a couple of
hours no Islamic conqueror could do that even in a hundred year.
Imagine now brother, what would happen to Islam if you could kill
about 250 million of the infidels. No
joke, brother, everyone will then talk about Islam. Look
at the beauty of Islam. The
more infidels you kill, the more they fall in love with Islam. Truly
incredible! Allah’s Qudrat! Our mission accomplished one hundred
percent!
Brother Osama, we thought that
things would be like that forever. No
one will know our secret. No
one will ever question about Qur’an, Islam, Sha’ria, Hadith…. etc.
We would have a plain sail and in due time we will arrive at our Manjil
(destination) i.e. to conquer the remaining infidel lands and forcibly
convert them to Islam, Insahallah, with your help.
All we needed was a hero like you who would never hesitate to
slaughter millions of ordinary infidels as per the rulings of the Qur’an
and the hadith. See, we never
told this secret to any infidel at any time.
But it looks like our plan has encountered a snag.
A temporary one, though. You
know those new breeds of apostates we were talking before? We are now so surprised that they have the full knowledge of
the contents of the Qur’an including the innermost secrets of ours. They
digested the tafsirs by those old exegetes of centuries old. What a sad matter. We
thought that they could be just like another Salman Rushdie or Taslima
Nasrin who had very limited knowledge about our secret. But no, these new betrayers know more of Islam and Sha’ria
than many of us with Ph.D. This
is outrageous and simply not acceptable to us. After all, we are the sole
agent of Islam. No one knows
Islam more than we do. But we dare not confront them intellectually. We
always try to corner them by using the logic that Qur’an and ahadith
cannot be understood unless one is an expert in Arabic.
This is a great strategy. We know that these apostates, for most of
them, their mother tongue are not Asmani (heavenly) Arabic.
Therefore, they can never confront us in linguistic matters
although we also have very little knowledge of Arabic. This is the way we
plan to topple those bastard betrayers. But lately, this method is also
backfiring. Due to the advent of the Internet, these apostates
(Ex-Muslims) are able to digest everything about Islam within a very short
period of time, even the most difficult language, Arabic, the language of
the Qur’an. You see, they
read the transliteration of the Qur’an and then search the dictionary.
It is so simple now a day. It
looks like their best weapons are our websites, Qur’an and ahadith.
Our websites, instead of serving the purposes of ours have become a
great tool for them. This is just ridiculous!
Sometimes, we feel like bringing down our very own websites that
were designed to dupe the infidels. Instead,
we have now become the victims of our own creation. Brother Osama, we can never have our peace of mind and our
websites will remain hitless and deserted so long as these ex-Muslims
(apostates) remain alive and continue with their nefarious design.
That is precisely why we are turning to you to teach them a very
good lesson as per hadis and Qur’an.
Please open cells of jihadis in America, Europe, Canada and
Australia. We know it is bit
difficult for you now but we are certain that Allah, our Rahman-ur-Rahim,
will soon join in your slaughter of the infidels.
Please brother, do not disappoint
us in this time of need. We
patiently look forward to your signal for action.
We look forward to another 9/11 from you, brother. Do not, and I repeat, do not disappoint us.
Wa-assalam
Zazakallah Khairan
The New Mullahs of Deen-e-Eslam
Rajab 12, Our Year of the Lord
Hijri 1422
Al Doniah
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Abul Kasem writes from Sydney,
Australia. His e-mail address
is – [email protected]
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